Progress vs. Perfection

We drove home in silence which is typical when my son has a game where the results don’t match his desires. But this wasn’t after a game, it was after a practice. He’d gotten eaten up by several ground balls and hit poorly. He was angry and probably slightly embarrassed about it.

When we reached our driveway, I didn’t pull into the garage. We just sat there.

Bad days will happen. Bad days are instructive. They show you what you need to work on should you have the desire. It felt like a teachable moment and I didn’t want to let it pass despite the emotions still being raw.

“Now that we’re off the field, can I talk to you as dad instead of as a coach?”

Silence.

“I can guess why you’re upset, but can you tell me so I know for sure?”

More silence while doubling down on inspecting a ding in the dashboard.

“I’m asking because I want to help you process your thoughts and come out stronger on the other side.”

Deafening silence.

“Alright, I’ll take a stab and you shut me down any time I say something that’s not true or if you feel judged. I don’t intend anything I say to be judgmental. I only want it to help trigger new thoughts for you to consider.”

Sideways half-glance.

“You’re disappointed in how you fielded today. You expect more from yourself and the outcome didn’t match the picture of yourself you have in your head."

Silence. Okay, I’ll keep going.

“Then when you went to hit you were still thinking about your fielding and you didn’t hit as well as you have before. It has you questioning whether you are good enough to help this team. Since you haven’t said anything, I’ll assume I’m on the right track. Can I give you a different perspective?”

Slight nod.

“First off, nobody but you will define your abilities based on a single practice. Know that you were selected to this team for a reason and that reason is because people see a lot of skill and even more potential in you. You’re a very good ballplayer and a better teammate. You were angry, but you still found it in you to send a compliment or two toward your buddy who was rotating in with you on the fielding drills.

Second, that vision of yourself that you have in your head of the player who makes every play and ropes every ball is a great one. Never lose that. That means that you believe in yourself. But know that it’s an ideal you can never meet. So if you’re measuring yourself against that guy, you’ll lose everyday. You’ll be more likely to get discouraged and it’ll sap the fun from the game and sap your motivation.

You have the ability to reframe today though. Was it the day you wanted? No. But rather than judging yourself against perfect, try to judge yourself based on the progress you’ve made. Two years ago you were fortunate to have made the team. You played a couple innings a game and maybe got one at bat. I have a video of you hitting off a tee where you swung and missed! Imagine that kid playing on this team where guys are now throwing 20mph faster. The progress you’ve made is shocking. You’re playing up a year, playing every inning and getting a full slate of at-bats. You’re a valuable member of the team.

I know you aren’t where you want to be. That’s a great thing. But, you don’t have to motivate yourself through shame.

You can have the choice to think differently about where your skill level is.

Today, you’re evaluating how far you are from perfect. It’s a mile away. Barely visible and, I promise, unreachable. Because should you ever hit the vision of where you want to be, you’ll move it. The goalposts move.

The alternative is to measure where you currently are based on how far you’ve come in this process. The vision of what you want to be doesn’t disappear. But you’ll have a different perspective on where you are. Instead of being the hardass coach who motivates you by telling you that you suck, you’ll be the supportive teammate telling you to keep your head up because they believe in you.

Positive motivation provides fuel that burns longer. Negative motivation is a sugar high. You might get pissed off and work harder in the short-run, but that energy dissipates quickly.

You’ll still have days where you’re frustrated, angry, or embarrassed, but it’ll pass quicker. And it’ll allow you the chance to be more objective in evaluating what went wrong and how you can improve. Rather than just saying, ‘I suck,’ you’ll think about how your feet approached the ball and how you can put yourself in a better position to field it. You’ll be more motivated to get back out there to try again because you know you can make progress if you let yourself.”

We sat in silence for another few minutes while I hoped he was making a mental calculation. Naturally, he didn’t say anything. But his neck muscles had slackened and his eyes just looked tired.

Beating yourself up is hard work.